In the Least

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 00:00:00 -0500

I get it. Y’all think I’ve changed. You’re mad. A couple of you are hurt, I think. I think I might be too.
I’m not apologizing though.
I know I’m not the fun, crazy person I used to be anymore.
I don’t party. I don’t look for thrills anymore.
My wardrobe isn’t Chanel and Fendi. These days, it’s Free People, Target. Tank top, jeans, and flip-flops.
I don’t rodeo anymore.
My music isn’t Texas county. It isn’t any one prescribed thing.
My hair isn’t Tri-Delt. It’s waves, and pony-tails.
I don’t promo. No NASCAR, Cuervo, or Crown.
I wonder what it would be like to have full sleeves and a back mural.
I don’t watch sports all of the time anymore. I don’t know why. I just stopped somewhere. That one makes me kind of sad.
I read my books in the open. I read about physics, and I try the math. I draw. I sing when no ones listening and even when they are.
I can’t dance but I still do…when no one is looking :/
I don’t excercise to stay thin. I excercise cause I like pushing my body. It’s marathon, triathlon, climb for the athlete effect.
I don’t drink to get drunk, I drink to experience.
The fact of the matter is I’ve changed. The no party, no trash thing has been gone now for like 3 years. I still don’t know how some of you are still questioning me on that one.

I don’t want to travel to say I’ve been there.” I want to travel to see. To learn. To find humanity.
I’m not sorry. I want success, and I’ll have it. I want a family. I’ll have that too.

I just need time. Time to meet the right people. Time to see and experience the right (or wrong) things.
I’m not beautiful like you say. My heart can get ugly, tangled, dark. I’m not wild in the sense that I was. I just can’t be caged.
And yes, I’m shy as hell. That’s what I learned when the partying went out of my life. I blush, and I get nervous.

I do have to become a surgeon b/c I have things to prove.
To myself.
To acceptance committees.
To my dad.
To my family.
To you.
I have to PROVE that I can be a surgeon without my last name. I have to show people that I am capable. That “good thing you’re pretty” shouldn’t have been written in my hs yearbooks. That I am smart enough, and that I didn’t accomplish what I have through my mom’s family wealth or my father’s, sister’s, and brother’s prestige as surgeons. I don’t want anyone’s else’s money. Inherited or otherwise. Why? It attracts the kind of people I don’t miss. The kind of people like…

I’m not striving for upset, I’m striving for a class of my own.
For humanity.
For respect.
For passion.
For elegance.
For others.
For my future family.
I don’t want to be someone who threw it all away to have cheap fun. I don’t want to drown myself in a life not worth living.

If you’re mad about that, then that’s okay.
I’m just not who I was 12, 5, or even 2 months ago. I don’t even really know who that girl was - the girl who I thought I had so figured out.
I’m not the girl everyone thinks they know if I’m not the girl I thought I knew. Now that you all are seeing that you’re mad.
I’m not sorry.

I know I’ve gotten distant again. I know I’ve closed myself off. Again. I talked to a couple of people, strangers really, about some of this stuff and those conversations are what’ve pushed me into this place of realization. Imagine that: conversations with strangers. I don’t know what you all want from me anymore. I know you guys are settling into life. College is over for you all. For me it’s just starting again. I’ll be in “college” for the rest of my life.

Some of You think I’ve betrayed you somehow, bc my life isn’t about “us” anymore. I’m realizing it’s okay to make my life my own. I’m not the girl who can’t tell people “no” anymore. (At least I’m working on that.) I’m not the girl who drops everything to help everyone anymore either. I can’t be. I’ll still ALWAYS help someone who needs it, but priority goes to the people I know I can count on. Those are the people I drop everything for and they are far and few in between.
Again, I’m not sorry.

What I am sorry for is that you can’t understand all of this. I’m sorry that I called some of you friend when you never even knew who I was, or how I was.
You’re mad because I know you, but I’m still a stranger to you.

Funny how people I looked at as strangers know more about my life to some degree, a large degree, than most of you ever learned about me. I get that now.
That’s an awkward feeling, but I’m not sorry in the least.

lethefeelingo: Falling In Love Strange Talk

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 15:58:57 -0500

lethefeelingo:

Falling In Love

Strange Talk

77music: Night Works - I Tried So Hard (Extended Mix)

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77music:

Night Works - I Tried So Hard (Extended Mix)

mydailyspin: This is a nice song. Savoire Adore - Sparrow Free...

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mydailyspin:

This is a nice song.

Savoire Adore - Sparrow

Free Download Here iTunes

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Thu, 20 Sep 2012 05:00:00 -0400

motherphokingburgers:

Carousel - Where Have You Gone

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Where Is My Mind covered by Sunday Girl

thesoundshepherd: Phantogram - When I’m Small (RAC...

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 20:12:00 -0400

thesoundshepherd:

Phantogram - When I’m Small (RAC Remix)

(DOWNLOAD LINK)

http://soundcloud.com/rac/phantogram-when-im-small-rac-mix

Baby I’m amazed at the way you help me sing my...

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:21:00 -0400

Baby I’m amazed at the way you help me sing my song…

Audio

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:03:00 -0400

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Mon, 21 May 2012 03:21:00 -0400

❤ & the wonder of it all is that you just don’t...

Mon, 21 May 2012 01:26:00 -0400

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Ella.

Panthère Commercial 2012

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:17:00 -0400

Panthère Commercial 2012

Hands of a Pediatric Surgeon

Sun, 13 May 2012 12:33:31 -0400

Hands of a Pediatric Surgeon

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Thu, 10 May 2012 14:22:00 -0400

When Your Strange…

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Mon, 09 Apr 2012 21:32:00 -0400

Innertwisted

In the Least

lethefeelingo: Falling In Love Strange Talk

77music: Night Works - I Tried So Hard (Extended Mix)

mydailyspin: This is a nice song. Savoire Adore - Sparrow Free...

motherphokingburgers: Carousel - Where Have You Gone

dahliasforrobots: Where Is My Mind covered by Sunday Girl

thesoundshepherd: Phantogram - When I’m Small (RAC...

Baby I’m amazed at the way you help me sing my...

Audio

Audio

❤ & the wonder of it all is that you just don’t...

& the wonder of it all is that you just don’t realize how much I love you…

Photo

Etta. I think I love you.

Ella.

Panthère Commercial 2012

Hands of a Pediatric Surgeon

When Your Strange…

When Your Strange…

Audio